i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I faked an abortion last night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
