It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
