i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
