my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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