i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize