I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
