I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
