i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
