I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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