My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
