Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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