i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
