OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
