Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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