I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
