My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
