just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
