question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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