you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
