We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Randomize
