I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
