Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
