I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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