I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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