She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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