god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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