I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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