you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just high enough for therapy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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