I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
