The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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