i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
