Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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