it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
