I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
