What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
