i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
