My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
