I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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