Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
