YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
