I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You are the jesus of drinking
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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