from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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