if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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