I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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