You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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