I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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