2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize
