Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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