Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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