Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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