How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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