Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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