I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
