Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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