Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize