Swine flu. Run for my life!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
