i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Can you bring me the toilet please
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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