So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
