in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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