I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize