I cut my penus on the lid.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
