I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
