I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize